another profession of feelings to j today, and she dismissed it as "me feeling that way because i'm far away and alone, and i won't feel the same once i'm home"

as if i deserve to be treated this way, i have no reason to ever expect being happy with another person. anytime someone actually likes me, they don't get to be normal person. they have issues to the extreme!my one chance at normal was shorty. i wish i had foresight back at that time. she was normal, and i thought i would meet another normal person eventually. she was the only normal one, and i let that go because i was leaving new york. i bet if i told her i wanted to run with it, she would have. every time i think about it, she seems more amazing. but i couldnt do that, because i still for some reason needed to give the future a chance with j. who i cant make any sense out of right now.

and i'm sitting around still trying to figure that out. why? everytime i find the answer, the equation changes. how long am i going to keep doing this