small pox vaccination today. making the gay even gayer

another profession of feelings to j today, and she dismissed it as "me feeling that way because i'm far away and alone, and i won't feel the same once i'm home"

as if i deserve to be treated this way, i have no reason to ever expect being happy with another person. anytime someone actually likes me, they don't get to be normal person. they have issues to the extreme!my one chance at normal was shorty. i wish i had foresight back at that time. she was normal, and i thought i would meet another normal person eventually. she was the only normal one, and i let that go because i was leaving new york. i bet if i told her i wanted to run with it, she would have. every time i think about it, she seems more amazing. but i couldnt do that, because i still for some reason needed to give the future a chance with j. who i cant make any sense out of right now.

and i'm sitting around still trying to figure that out. why? everytime i find the answer, the equation changes. how long am i going to keep doing this

devout

if you hate every day of your life, are you supposed to thank God that you wake up each morning?

its kind of a good philosophical question. some people automatically assume being alive another day means that God has made this special decision to keep you alive, as a gift to you because he is so loving and benevolent.

but does that make sense? If you are a great Christian, isn't it better to go to heaven? if you are miserable, and don't know why you get up every morning, wouldn't it be better to go to heaven?

is it really worst to go to hell, than to be depressed, or handicapped, or have PTSD, or be alone your whole life, and generally live an unhappy life? the problem with being on Earth, is that you can maintain HOPE the entire time that things will get better, and you could never achieve anything better. once you've landed in hell, all you have to do is accept you will be there for eternity?

or is this the hell you must procede through before everyone eventually goes to heaven

6th in my graduating class

chris went down, defending an afghan army base.
the worlds fucked up. chris was one of those people you couldn't imagine every doing anything wrong.
it makes me sick that he's the one to die and leave his wife and family, while i still worthlessly walk this earth's surface

rome

internet wasn't working, but IS now. awesome

im watching the TV series Rome right now. it's been good. but now i'm at the part that pisses me off, where cleopatra, for some reason, is able to destroy rome just based off of her looseness. to be fair, based off every guy being stupid enough to worship her just because she was hot.

fucker

this stupid fucking major had the nerve to talk to me today.
oh, did you turn in your M4s already?

you know we did, you fucking idiot. you know i go out into the combat zone with an outdated weapon, and you just hope i dont have to try using it. fuck i hate this shit.

the hot season

the taliban ain't kidding
attacks increase, cries and sad letters home

a war that can never end.

things are alright. i try to just think about day-to-day things. if i keep busy with that then it makes things better.

the 4th of july is just another day

dozing off

i cant sleep.
it isnt soem new thing, just a thing
if i lay down at midnight, i'll sleep at 230
if i lay down at 10, i'll sleep at 230
if i lay down at 230, i'll sleep at 4
if i sleep too long, i'll have a dream
if i have a dream, it'll be a bad one
i havent dreamt of anything but work and combat for over 6 months
if i really have to get up early in the morn, i take nyquil
gets me asleep in at most an hour
i started to doze off while watching a show yesterday. it was about 9 or 930
so i got excited and went to bed.
last time i remember it being before i went to sleep was about 2.,..

if i died out here, it would be for nothing.