its done

its done. i'm crying in joy, as the weight raises off of me. finally.

not really quite sure what the point of this past year was; and was definitely the worst i've had; but its damn good to be through it

returned

back into the swing of things.

not so tired anymore, everything rolls smooth for the time being.
have mass confusion approaching, I know. I am in the eye of the storm right now.

a few more days, then I have a 3 week struggle to the end of this tunnel. keep me safe, if you are there

flesh

to feel relaxed. great.

done some good things. need to take it easier this week. recover. get ready to finish strong. wow this really does help the morale thing

on a spaceship

back in the homeland for a couple weeks. immediately reminded of what the homeland is like. i'm next to the womens volleyball team from Ball State, on their way back up to indiana. unfotunately, i can hear them talking. they are fun to look at, but i'm sure I will soon be tired of looking at skinny bleach-blonde airheads very soon. just like i was before. they all pull out their apple macbooks in unison, and instantly my customary american prejudices begin to flow from my heart and into my brain as readily as any oxygenated drop of blood. and now i dislike them.

well, they were pretty fun to look at though.

over

i think America is going to end.
not the world. america

there are so many stupid and lazy people in america
as a group, we make so many idiotic decisions
everyone is a follower
everyone does stuff to be cool, whether it makes sense or not


blah blah support the troops blah blah. not enough interested people protesting to actually stop a pointless war, since it makes some people very rich. the ipad, the iphone, and the macbook. hybrid SUVs. 36 inch rims. nikki minaj and lady gaga. did i mention the ipad?

understand

why do you act so stupid?

imagine this: bob tells jim that he hates sandwiches.
jim calls bob up and talks for 45 minutes about a sandwich he bought today.

why are you so annoying? worst, why do i keep trying to be associated with you?

i'm a misanthrope.
i will find a reason to hate something about every person i ever know.

house

things are starting to get boring and slow. this smallpox vaccination is the worst.

another time where it would have benefitted me more to disobey than to obey

not much good reason to anything i do nowadays

small pox vaccination today. making the gay even gayer

another profession of feelings to j today, and she dismissed it as "me feeling that way because i'm far away and alone, and i won't feel the same once i'm home"

as if i deserve to be treated this way, i have no reason to ever expect being happy with another person. anytime someone actually likes me, they don't get to be normal person. they have issues to the extreme!my one chance at normal was shorty. i wish i had foresight back at that time. she was normal, and i thought i would meet another normal person eventually. she was the only normal one, and i let that go because i was leaving new york. i bet if i told her i wanted to run with it, she would have. every time i think about it, she seems more amazing. but i couldnt do that, because i still for some reason needed to give the future a chance with j. who i cant make any sense out of right now.

and i'm sitting around still trying to figure that out. why? everytime i find the answer, the equation changes. how long am i going to keep doing this

devout

if you hate every day of your life, are you supposed to thank God that you wake up each morning?

its kind of a good philosophical question. some people automatically assume being alive another day means that God has made this special decision to keep you alive, as a gift to you because he is so loving and benevolent.

but does that make sense? If you are a great Christian, isn't it better to go to heaven? if you are miserable, and don't know why you get up every morning, wouldn't it be better to go to heaven?

is it really worst to go to hell, than to be depressed, or handicapped, or have PTSD, or be alone your whole life, and generally live an unhappy life? the problem with being on Earth, is that you can maintain HOPE the entire time that things will get better, and you could never achieve anything better. once you've landed in hell, all you have to do is accept you will be there for eternity?

or is this the hell you must procede through before everyone eventually goes to heaven

6th in my graduating class

chris went down, defending an afghan army base.
the worlds fucked up. chris was one of those people you couldn't imagine every doing anything wrong.
it makes me sick that he's the one to die and leave his wife and family, while i still worthlessly walk this earth's surface

rome

internet wasn't working, but IS now. awesome

im watching the TV series Rome right now. it's been good. but now i'm at the part that pisses me off, where cleopatra, for some reason, is able to destroy rome just based off of her looseness. to be fair, based off every guy being stupid enough to worship her just because she was hot.

fucker

this stupid fucking major had the nerve to talk to me today.
oh, did you turn in your M4s already?

you know we did, you fucking idiot. you know i go out into the combat zone with an outdated weapon, and you just hope i dont have to try using it. fuck i hate this shit.

the hot season

the taliban ain't kidding
attacks increase, cries and sad letters home

a war that can never end.

things are alright. i try to just think about day-to-day things. if i keep busy with that then it makes things better.

the 4th of july is just another day

dozing off

i cant sleep.
it isnt soem new thing, just a thing
if i lay down at midnight, i'll sleep at 230
if i lay down at 10, i'll sleep at 230
if i lay down at 230, i'll sleep at 4
if i sleep too long, i'll have a dream
if i have a dream, it'll be a bad one
i havent dreamt of anything but work and combat for over 6 months
if i really have to get up early in the morn, i take nyquil
gets me asleep in at most an hour
i started to doze off while watching a show yesterday. it was about 9 or 930
so i got excited and went to bed.
last time i remember it being before i went to sleep was about 2.,..

if i died out here, it would be for nothing.

i told aj i thought i was depressed

and he said yea i think you are

lol. what do depressed people do any differnt from other people

i had the whole world in my hands but i gave it away
i didnt know at the time

actually, to know that, you have to be lucky.
im never known as the one to get lucky

i have never been given the choice between door 1 and door 2, and picked the one with the prize.
i want to win

im a liar and the only truth i know is regret

as you wish

doc says i should blog. that i'll probably feel better if i give it a chance for long enough.

ok, hows that supposed to help me?
you can say whatever you want. you are too busy trying to make everyone else feel better to ever really tell them whats wrong with you
and this web page is going to comfort me in some kind of way? whatever you say.


everyone looks so good from here.
so i think, that its not helpful to me or them to surprise them with this need for help that he thinks i have. i hold people up, thats what i do. i dont trouble them with more trouble. my trouble isn't their trouble. i want their trouble. i think im ok. i thought i was ok. i should have done some things differently. i thought i was making the best of every situation and getting everyone else too. and for some reason i am mr. regret now, and its weird.

i've decided to forgo any thought of structure. im always trying to show people im so organized and put together and smart and strong willed that i will be able to help them. i dont have anything to prove to this